More Ponderings
- Thread starter oldskydog
- Start date
No more democratic party…………!!!!!!!
.
- then helped Jack off the elephant.....
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath… “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath… “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
From Cecil,
"Shout-out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people." My Mom still has it. I know its been the same since at least 1966. The prefix has changed once and I think its getting ready to change again.
Jeff
"Shout-out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people." My Mom still has it. I know its been the same since at least 1966. The prefix has changed once and I think its getting ready to change again.
Jeff
Thought for today!
You know when you buy a bag of
salad and it gets all brown and Soggy...
Well, donuts don't do that!
You know when you buy a bag of
salad and it gets all brown and Soggy...
Well, donuts don't do that!
A southern gentleman from Baton Rouge went to Las Vegas for a holiday. Sitting in a cocktail lounge and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady.
Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Flattered, she looked around the room, smiled, and replied, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table. The waitress smiled at him and asked politely, "Will there be anything else?"
"Why, yes, " replied the southern gentleman.
"Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all.
But where ah come from in Louisiana, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Flattered, she looked around the room, smiled, and replied, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table. The waitress smiled at him and asked politely, "Will there be anything else?"
"Why, yes, " replied the southern gentleman.
"Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all.
But where ah come from in Louisiana, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me privileged, a racist, and responsible for slavery.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards,
makes me a fascist because I plan, budget, and support myself.
I went to school for 19 years and have always held a job. But I now
find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was advantaged”.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me homophobic.
I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 70, making me a useless dinosaur who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat.
I think, and I reason, and I doubt most of what the ‘mainstream’ media tells me, which makes me a Right-wing conspiracy nut.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me a xenophobe.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair reward according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of opportunity not freedom of
outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in the defense and protection of my nation for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to
let it fly, so I stand during our National Anthem - so I must be a radical.
Funny - it all took place over the last decade!
If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which toilet to use!
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards,
makes me a fascist because I plan, budget, and support myself.
I went to school for 19 years and have always held a job. But I now
find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was advantaged”.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me homophobic.
I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 70, making me a useless dinosaur who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat.
I think, and I reason, and I doubt most of what the ‘mainstream’ media tells me, which makes me a Right-wing conspiracy nut.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me a xenophobe.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair reward according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of opportunity not freedom of
outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in the defense and protection of my nation for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to
let it fly, so I stand during our National Anthem - so I must be a radical.
Funny - it all took place over the last decade!
If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which toilet to use!
